Chocolate Chip aka Poop Cookies!

I know. I know what you're thinking. But these chocolate chip cookies are the sole reason my three-year-old allowed himself to be potty-trained. He would see a batch on the counter and the pants would be flying off - "Moooom!! I gotta pooooop!!!". My husband also once ate 4 dozen of these babies in one night while I was away. I've made so many of these I am pretty sure I can make them in my sleep, which sounds messy. Onward!

You will need:

• 2 c unbleached all purpose flour (I think it's weird that you have to ask for the bleach on the side. like who wants bleach in their food? Hold the cyanide while you are at it, please!)
• 1 tsp baking soda (not powder and not substitute-able)
• 1/2 tsp salt (any salt but kosher sometimes can leave large granules, so maybe not that)
• 1 c softened butter (sometimes I swap out 1/4 c with shortening. Lends a completely different texture and look to the cookie)
• 1 c packed dark brown sugar (use light brown if you must, but your cookies will not be as chewy. Also, don't believe what they tell you about just adding molasses to white sugar and substituting it. Anyone that recommends that has not tried it. Yuck)
• 1/2 c granulated sugar
• 1 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
• 2 eggs
• 2 c semi-sweet chocolate chips, or more-ish

1. Preheat your oven to 375 degrees and line four larger cookie sheets with parchment paper. Or however many you have.
2. Mix flour, baking soda and salt all together in a small bowl or a large-ish measuring cup, set aside.
3. Put the butter in a stand mixer, mix with the paddle for 30 seconds all by itself. Then add the two sugars and beat until it looks good. Scrape it down a couple of times. Add in the eggs, and then the vanilla. Slowly add in the flour ( if you scooch it in on a paper plate, I call that the Alton Brown Method. I prefer to use a measuring cup, get it everywhere and curse under my breath. Because I'm a traditionalist) and mix it all until it looks good. If you have a mixer with a "Stir" setting, you can use it to add in the chocolate chips. If you don't have that setting, don't do it! Take the bowl off the mixer stand and stir those morsels of happiness in with a spatula. Here's why: if you try to mix in the chocolate chips at too high a speed, they will start to melt and stick to the bowl and paddle!! And that would mean we wouldn't get all the chocolate in the cookies and that just is not going to happen. Not on my watch.
4. Now that everything is in one big happy bowl, go ahead and get out your smallest cookie scoop. It looks like it's made for ice-cream, but we know better. You don't need to scoop ice-cream, silly, you grab your biggest spoon and wrap a towel around the carton base so it doesn't get your snuggy wet while watching a "Life" marathon on Netflix. The scoop should be around a teaspoon and a half. Ish. Do a dozen on a sheet. I know they always say to have the cookies 2 inches apart, but have you ever tried to do that? Me neither. These cookies are fully planning to spread, give them a little room. If you only have one cookie sheet (really? one cookie sheet?) make sure you cool the sheet in between batches. You do not want to load dough onto a warm surface, it will start to melt the butter too soon and you will not get the amazing cookies you want.
5. You can bake the cookies one sheet at a time (you might want to do this if you have a hot oven or one that cooks unevenly) in the middle rack, or two at a time on the upper-third and lower-third racks. Either way, listen very carefully to this part. You are going to want to rotate your cookie sheets halfway through. That means you want to go front to back and ALSO up to down if you are using two sheets at once.
6. Bake for 9 minutes, rotating as above halfway through. I am blessed with multiple timers, but I use the microwave kitchen timer for the 4 1/2 minute setting to make sure I rotate on time. I have smoking hot ovens and seconds can make a difference. Keep an eye on them for the last minute or so, look for bottoms that are noticeably browner than the tops.
7. After baking, get those cookies OFF those sheets immediately onto wire racks. When you are dealing with a butter-loaded cookie like this one, you run the risk of over-browning the bottoms. I like a solid bottom, but a soft cookie. 9 minutes and on the rack, stat! Don't remove the cookies until you can see that they are completely set. That could be awhile. Half and hour maybe. The reason you don't want to start packing them up before that is that if the chocolate chips are still melty and gooey, they will smear inside the container or bag and you won't get all the chocolate in yours or anyone else's mouth. And that is just not going to happen today, not on your watch.

Worth pooping for. Apparently

They last about 3 days in a cookie jar before getting stale; I like to freeze half of the batch in large Ziploc freezer bags, squeezing out all the air. 

q2w

Fast and delicious! Enjoy!